Recently, I have noticed a trend of really sucky kid names. I will meet kids with unusual names, which make me look at the parents like, “Seriously? You pretentious piece of trash! Out of all the names in the world, you chose the name “Simple” for your child.” People are getting carried away with the fact they get to name something. I find the more liberated we get as a culture; the more the names become absurd. Whatever happened to the classic names; like Ann, Beth, Rick, George, Lawrence, Maureen, and Gwendolyn? They might be old, but they are names that when they introduce themselves, people do not look at them like they are insulting their gullibility. I mean, who does not want to name something? I know it’s exciting, but don’t ruin your child’s life in attempt to make other parents think you are cool. Just because you named your kid, “Lennon” does not make you any less douchier then you were before. I am not trying to say you shouldn’t name your kid something unique; just give them a “normal” unique name. One that when your kid has to introduce themselves in front of the class, it does not scream, “My parents are fucking idiots!” I have plenty of friends with kick-ass unique names. Names like Landen, Lara, Daphne, Trillium, and Rex are all names that when you hear them don’t make you want to punch them in the face.
Here is a top 10 of the most horrible names that I have encountered. Note: these are names of people I have actually met. I have left off the notoriously bad names that egotistical celebrities ruin their kid’s lives. Like: Penn Jillette naming his kid “Moxie Crimefighter,” Arthur Ashe naming his kid “Camera,” and the worst David Carradine naming his kid “Free.”
If your name is on the list, I am sorry. Don’t be mad at me; be mad at your parents. If your child’s name is on the list, you brought this upon yourself:
#1 – Abeni (It’s only strange because he is a rich white guy, and “Abeni” is an African name meaning, “we asked for her and we got her.”
#2- Unique (pushing the pretentious boundary)
#3- Amelie (long after the movie, and they aren’t French. Good luck getting the kids at American public schools to pronounce that right. They’ll just pronounce her name “You’ll never have friends.”)
#4- Rammel (This guy was actually related to the Desert Fox, but you don’t want to name your kid after a famous Nazi general)
#5- Ann (When her last name is Teek. 5th graders had a field day with that. Not only is it a bad name, but geez Ann fucking Teek has to wait a century to live up to her name. )
#6- Sari (Pronounced “Sorry.” Can you imagine that conversation in school? The teacher asks, “What is your name?” Girl answers, “Sorry.” Teacher responds, “you didn’t do anything wrong. What is your name?” Girl answers again, “Sorry.” I could go on for hours, but I will spare you.)
#7- Casablanca (From a family who is not Moroccan, nor have they ever been to Morocco. She did eventually shorten it to Casa, which is a little better, but still on my list.)
#8- Sickurous (Sorry if you are reading this, but honestly your name is Sickurous)
#9- Spif (I think his parents were high when they did this, and just couldn’t spell)
#10- Lucky (He was born with one arm. How lucky can he be?)
What sucks about the whole naming thing is, the kid has no say in the matter. The parents just name them something they read on a bathroom wall, and the kid has to deal with it. The only option the kid has in the naming process is to change it when they are old enough. Why would you do that to your kid? I hear parents say “Oh, they can change it when they get older.” Even if they did get to change their name to something they wanted, they still have to start from scratch. It’s extremely difficult for someone who has gone by the same name for 18 years to have to start over. I mean, really? Who wants to have that conversation?
Friend: “Hey Osanka!”
Name Changer: “Umm. My name is not Osanka anymore, its John.”
Friend: “Ha, ha, ha. You are hilarious. Come on Osanka let’s go play halo!”
Name Changer: “My name is John now. I changed it yesterday.”
Friend: “Ha, Ha, and I’m Brad Pitt let’s go!”
Not only is it hard for the person changing their name, it’s even harder for everyone else to get used to calling them a different name. Imagine calling something a different name from the one you have been calling it your whole life. Let’s say McDonalds changed their name. They just come out, and say at a press conference “hey, don’t call us McDonalds anymore. Call us The Burger Temple.” Most likely you would laugh, give them the finger, and never eat there again (I didn’t need the name change for that.) Or maybe, you just might never call them the Burger Temple, because nothing other than the name has changed. They still have the big yellow arches, the creepy clown out front that entices kids to sit on his lap, and food that makes you so fat even the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance say’s, “damn, you are fat.” The name change affects everyone.
Here are some things to think about when naming your kid:
Can kids make fun of it?
Does it sound forced? Like a name you have to swallow out of embarrassment before you say it. “Um, my name is (swallow) Moonswan”
How do people react to it? Do people look blankly at you when you say it? Do they have to say, “is that short for something” or have to ask again “What is it?”
Is it hard to spell? No one says to me, “How do you spell Matt?” However, if they did, I would say, “with a silent x.”
Make sure to spell is right. Don’t spell Jessica, Jezzikkah or Destiny, Dezteeney
What is your last name? If your last name is Lincoln don’t name your kid Abe.
Is it the name of something else like a car (Lexus) or a plant (Sage) or a pizza (Margarita)
To ensure kids don’t get horrible names, I am proposing that we create a government ran Department of Names (or DON). All children’s names have to be submitted and approved by DON. If there was a department of names, my friend Ann Teek would have been Susy Teek and she would have lived a heckle free life. You would not believe the jokes my friend Tom Cruise has had to go through all his life. People calling him crazy, a closeted homosexual. I could not imagine what people who aren’t famous that have his same name has to go through. The naming department is here to protect your kids from your horrible decisions. However, if you really want a bad name, we will force you to name all your kids equally as bad names. This is our daughter Amelie and her sister The girl with the dragon tattoo.
The moral of this whole rant is; as exciting as it is to name a child, don’t name it something they are going to resent you for the rest of their life. If you are going to name a kid something like Tigger, do us all a favor and don’t reproduce. Get a dog!
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