Archive | Matt Baker

Christina Ricci got me kicked out

It’s known amongst my friends, I tend to bet on virtually anything. I don’t know why I do it; it just seems like the best way to solve disagreements; if even the most mundane.

I once lost $50 on one game of Rock Paper Scissors. Another time, I bet $5 that my blood pressure was higher than my buddies; and won (But in the grand scheme of things, really lost.) Probably, my most ridiculous bet to date is I bet $100 (while drunk) that my friend’s favorite color was blue. What’s even more stupid is; I won (he was drunk too.)

Aside from betting, I am also the guy who will often come up with ridiculous ideas that I am too afraid to do myself. Most of the time, to see my crazy ideas in action, I will often pay my friends to do them; then sit back and laugh. Like the time I paid my buddy $15 to walk up to a group of hot girls and say: “Alright Ladies, Who wants herpes?”  I wasn’t laughing when he got one of there numbers, and I still had to pay him (I guess one of them did, really want herpes.) Or the time I convinced my buddy to get “Employees use the back entrance” tattooed on his lower back for $200 + tattoo costs, only to watch him bail at the site of the needle.

slothBoos, Comedy, and betting is pretty much how you can sum up a night with my buddies; and this night was no different. A couple of my buddies, and I decided to go to this cool, hip, punk-rock bar called Shorty’s. This is the kind of bar where if you don’t have 6 tattoos, and at least 2 facial/genitalia piercing’s, you get the “this person does not belong here” look. They look at you like you are Steven Segal in Acting Class. While entering the bar, I noticed a girl sitting at a booth, who looked just like Christina Ricci. I pointed her out to my buddies, and they both agreed that the girl looked like CR. Although, neither of them was convinced it was actually her. They had a decent point. This is a little hole in the wall bar. How would CR even know this place existed? One point; for my friends, team atheist. Then I realized whom we were talking about! This is the girl who was in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas!  Anyone who was in that movie has to have some idea of crazy bars that serve you drinks stiffer than Clay Aiken watching MMA.  One point for me, I am finally on the board. Although, it did not help my case that the people she was sitting with looked dingy. They were so dingy they made New York bums look like runway models. One guy was actually rocking the bald headed mullet with dreads. It looked like his dready mullet was so heavy, it pulled the rest of his hair right off the top of his head.  I am actually the last person to care about people’s looks, but this guy is the reason we got kicked out, so I feel like I can say whatever I want about a guy; who looked like the stunt double for Sloth in Goonies. One more point for my opposition.

My mind was running, rationalizing every reason CR would be at my favorite bar in Seattle. She might be with people, who think smoking cigarettes, and drinking is a substitute for bathing, but this is the girl who dated a mentally challenged guy in Pumpkin; so the people she was with did not surprise me. 1/2 point; for me, putting the score at 2 points opposition, 1 1/2 points me. Granted, this girl looked a little different than CR, but I just figured it was how she really looked.

ricciSo the bet was on! We set the amount at $50, but could not decide on who was going to ask. For me, there is no way I am going up to someone famous and drawing attention to him or her. Especially, when they might not want it. I was once with my friend in a crowded supermarket, when he saw Keifer Sutherland, and than yelled out to me: “Hey Matt, it’s the guy from 24.” I then watched everyone in the supermarket bombard Keifer and a simple task of buying Canadian bacon turned into a 45-minute autograph session for him. Even when I see celebrities I am very fond of I try to not bother them. I once stood next to Benjamin Gibbard for an entire show and did not say anything to him. I did get close enough to smell him though (in a non-creepy smelling way.) Than three weeks later, saw him at the Heathrow Airport and still kept my yapper zipped. I always toyed with the idea of just filing a restraining order against him, to see what would happen.

My friend Kevin, who took my bet, was confident it was not CR. He had no problem going up to her and just asking. Kevin lives for awkward moments. He is the only guy I know, who has been kicked out of a Halloween party for his costume, two years in a row. What it comes down to is he just does not give a shit. He’s like racecar driver with narcolepsy.

While we were outlining the details of how he was going to approach her, there was a large shriek. We turned our heads to see the perceived Christina Ricci lying on the floor, laughing hysterically at the fact she just fell, and shattered her drink all over the ground. One more check for my opposition, team rising confidence (3 to 1.5.) Kevin, at this point felt sympathy for me, and gave me a chance to back out of the bet. Claiming, that all I had to do was buy him a drink, and then we could all forget about this little Christinagate. I couldn’t back out; I was convinced it was her! I am the type of person that when I have my mind on something, there is nothing you can do to sway me. I am like a non-religious Billy Graham; committed to the truth as long as there are no facts involved.

At any rate, the plan was set. Kevin was to approach her when she went out for a smoke, and he was going to say to her: “Hey have we met before? What’s your name?” Which has got to be the best plan 3 inebriated dudes has ever come up with, in the history of men approaching a woman. The moment came when CR went outside for a smoke, and out followed Kevin. He was locked in on his prey. I felt like I was watching an episode of Planet Earth, but instead of a cheetah speeding after an antelope, it was a drunk comedian following creepily behind a famous girl. He was a man possessed; primarily with alcohol but he was possessed nonetheless. Here is how the dialogue went:

Kevin: “Hey can I bum a smoke?”

Christina: “Sure”

Kevin: “You look really familiar. Do I know you?”

Christina: “Nope”

Kevin: “I think I do, what’s your name”

Christina: “Bitch”

Kevin (sarcastically): “I guess I do know you”

Christina, then flicked her cigarette at Kevin, and got up and went back into the bar. Kevin, shortly after, returned to our table and described the interaction. At this point, we did not know that their conversation was going to be the end of our stay in the bar. However, we were soon to find out.

Kevin was now even more convinced that it was “Not” CR saying, “that it looked nothing like her up close.” So, I called the bet off. I said, “There is not sufficient evidence either way.” Kevin, frustrated with my unwillingness to believe him, said he would “try again.” Drunk at this point, Kevin, and my other drunken friend AG; storm right up to the booth where CR is sitting. She is ricci2sitting in the spot furthest away from the edge of the table, and with her, are 2 huge dudes, and a chick. Kevin walks up, interrupts their conversation, and says, “I realized how I think I know you. You look a lot like Christina Ricci. Has anyone ever told you that?” I admire his straightforwardness, and if this didn’t get an answer nothing would. Christina, visibly annoyed, and looking at him like he just walked through a Christian Bale scene, sarcastically says, “No! No one has ever told me that.”

They all just sat there in awkward silence; staring at Kevin with horrific looks on there faces like they were watching two girls one cup.  Kevin, trying to remedy the awkwardness with a laugh responded: “Well, nice talking to ya, Bitch!” He made what we call in the comedy world a “Callback” (which is a reference to a joke earlier,) and to us comedy aficionado’s, that’s fucking hilarious. Although, the dread headed mullet guy, who looked like he might be the son of the son of Sam; did not think it was so fucking hilarious.  He sprung out of his seat, like he just one a lifetime supply of PBR in an ugly contest, and goes to punch Kevin. When he went to hit Kevin, on his back swing, in all his dread headed mullet glory; he end’s up hitting the girl sitting behind him in the face, and knocks her beer all over CR. Christina shrieks; (like she normally does at bars,) but this time she is trying to stop good ol’ Hipzilla from beating Kevin like he owed him lunch money. CR was yelling, “it was a joke, it was a joke,” but man’s version of a manatee, was not hearing it. He was to busy standing 2 inches from Kevin’s face, explaining how he was going to rip off his neck, and shit into his torso. Looking back, I think it would have been that much funnier if while the guy was yelling at him 2 inches from his face, Kevin just went in and gave him a little peck on the lips.

During all the commotion, the bartender, leaps over the bar, and jumps in between dread headed mullet guy and Kevin. He was yelling at the top of his lungs for them to “break it up.” After things were settled, the bartender, tells us that we “are not welcome here anymore,” and that we “needed to leave” before he beat our ass. WTF? I said to the bartender: “what about this guy? He’s the one who is causing the ruckus.” The bartender just smiled and said, “you need to get out.”

So to date, we still don’t know if it was really the Christina Ricci. However, I still paid Kevin anyways. I don’t know if I paid him because I felt bad for what happened, or if I subconsciously knew one day I would want to write about it, and I could use that as a bribe.  So Christina Ricci if you are reading this, I want my $50 back, BITCH!

 

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Words I have invented

I am sort of a slang connoisseur. I am a student of the slang world. I love making up my own words and seeing other people use them also.

There are a lot of ways to go about making up your own slang. One popular way is to combine two words to make one. Some of my favorite slang words using this concept are:

Multislacking- Doing multiple slacker-esque things concurrently.

Technosexual- A person, male or female, who is so deeply enthralled with technology they discuss it with a level of passion that most people reserve for sex.

Nonversation- The type of conversation held with another person when you really do not wish to talk to them. It consists of short and to the point replies, which do not add to the conversation and make it hard for the other person to continue.

Slacktivist- political activist who has been active in the past, but in the present mostly talks about politics, drinks beer, smoke’s weed, and has sex with other activists.

Sexsuade- To convince someone to agree to, accept, or do something, usually by using the promise of sex

Another teqnique that is popular is adding the word “Man” in front of everything. Like for example:

Manscaping- when a man grooms himself.

Manscara- what you say when you see a guy wearing mascara.

Manswer- is a very manly answer.

Mansectomy- A procedure for removing excess fat (man-boobs) from a male chest.

The great thing about slang is, you can make up words that sound cool, and just integrate them into your everyday dialogue. Then when people hear you say it, they are like man, “I need to get hip on today’s slang.” The cool thing is when you hear someone you know start using word you have invented. When I was 18, I lived in a house with 6 people in there mid 20’s, and one who was 40. Although a huge age difference, Martin was really cool. The only problem was that he was unfamiliar with the slang we all used. He was always asking us to give definitions to the weird words we used so regularly. One day me and the other people in there 20’s decided to come up with a word that we would all use, but use in different ways to mess with Martin. The word we decided on was Crunk. Although now, according to the slang dictionary crunk means crazy and drunk, at the time it was a word that had not been used. So we set off on the crunk prank. We all used the word differently. When he would ask what it meant we would all give him a different answer. For me I told him, “You only use it to describe something that was disgusting.” My friend Terrin told him, “Crunk is someone who is a crusty punk.” And Megan told him, “It is something that is really exciting.” He generally seemed perplexed by this mysterious hybrid word that everyone used, but could be used in so many different ways. A few weeks went by and the use of the word seized and no one told Martin it was a joke. We only realized he didn’t know it was a joke until we had a party and I overheard a drunk Martin trying to fit in with all the younger people by throwing the word Crunk in most of his conversations. I did not want to tell him there because honestly, I was enjoying people look at him like he was Rain Man. It was like a MasterCard commercial because it was priceless. The next day I informed him of the joke and we shared a good laugh.

Here are a few words I have invented:

Hallahdino- A brazialian Hallah

Badonkulars- when you see a badonkadonk butt far away.

Strollonsticate- when you are leaving by way of walking.

Sloshy Slosh- when someone is having sex while you are in the room and can hear it.

Rollonsticate- when you are leaving by way of driving

Spliggity Splow- A sound affect you make when presenting or receiving something

Mahallah- A Hawaiian hallah.

Frontedonupon- when someone front’s on you, and gets away with it.

Won Ton Bon Cron- when a food is exceptionally good. It can also be broken up into Won Ton or Bon Cron.

What are some of your favorite slang words?

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Tear Away Underwear

Sex has made so many technologic advances over the last decade. Inventing things from Viagra to Vagina flavored Bolognese; the technology seems to be endless.  Although these inventions have helped to liberate people’s sexuality, sexventors have failed to cure one of the most awkward scenarios that arise in bed, taking your clothes off. How many times has the mood of the foreplay been ruined by the un-sexiness which is getting naked? Hell, I have even turned myself off trying to get my drawers off while juggling. Many say, that keeping a person turned on, while getting your underwear off, is impossible. You have read about it being possible in history books, and on episodes of Ripley’s Believe it Or Not, but no one has ever truly encountered such thing.

People have tried to solve this sexually catastrophic event by inventing things like the crotch less panties, edible underwear and underwear1the hole in the front of boxers. These were all noble attempts, but all fell short. For generations this problem has plagued the great sex minds of our times, until today. Today, I present a product that gives those plagued minds the reacharound it deserves. Today I present to you, Tear Away Underwear.

Underwear, that by the powers of Velcro allows you to rip them off and be ready to go like a donkey in Tijuana. Imagine foreplay, with no fumbling, grumbling or stumbling. Drive your partner wild when you rip off your undies like a basketball player coming off the bench. You will be prepared to defend, dunk and if you are lucky, lead your team to a come from behind victory. Finally a product, that presents people with the option of a better life. Not only will this amazing product revolutionize intimacy it will also advance many other fields; like the medical profession. Think if you happened to be at the hospital unconscious; the tear away underwear allows people to get your clothes off faster. This helps the work of so many including doctors, nurses and birthday clowns.

Soon, the sound of Velcro, will be something everyone associates with hot fornication. Just the sound of Velcro ripping, will turn people on just like when they hear creaking beds, water slapping, or when I see a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth. Velcro will Underwearforever be linked to sex culture and be mentioned in the same breath with Jenna Jamison, Ron Jeremy and baby albino lamas. Equipped with a full access Velcro connection in the front, allowing you to take them off without even removing your pants. Think of those days where you just need a little more air down there, but you got those pesky tighty-whities on. Or the days you need to masturbate during a work meeting, but you can’t because you decided to wear that underwear your grandma stuffed your stalking with. The Tear Away Underwear makes all those fantasies a reality.

Tear Away Underwear; it will change how you fondle yourself under a newspaper in the park. Buy today, and get a pair of free tear away business socks.

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Drunk Dial Phone

Today’s MDI might not only be the best, but certainly is the most practical. It came to me while I was as drunk. I was as drunk as that Jewish person caught on tape making anti-Mel Gibson remarks. Many great inventions have been created while under the influence of alcohol. Without booze, things like Motorized bar stools, beer pong and high school musical on ice would seize to exist. Even, 2 of Brittany Spears’s 3 kids have all been invented while drunk (3rdbrittney you can blame that on coke.)

Many people have used alcohol to advance their own creativity. Think of where Johnny Cash would be today if he did not drink: probably dead! Do you think Johnny Cash would have been any good if he weren’t beating up his liver like it was a scene out of a Tina Turner documentary? My gut feeling tells me the same thing my magic eight ball app on my Iphone does, “Outlook not so good.” My point is; it should come as no shock to hear that alcohol is the catalyst for this MDI.

Here is the pitch:

There is a global epidemic sweeping the world and it affects all of us. This pandemic is so dangerous, it makes Malaria shrivel up and cough. It chops the limbs off of leprosy.

drunkphoneIt even makes swine flu look like a made up disease by the government to stimulate the economy so we don’t spend our money on spring break in Mexico. Yes my friends, I am talking about Drunk Dialing.

You might have heard of it, but might not be aware how it affects you. Have you ever had a few drinks and decided it was a good time to call your boss, your spouse, or your boss’s spouse and tell them something you should not tell them sober, let alone drunk? If you answered, “Yes;” Drunk Dialing might affect you. Have you ever been tanked and decided to call your ex to tell them you are sorry and want them back? Instead you get their machine and instead leave a 15-minute awkward message of non-cohesive blabber like you are Mike from swingers. If this has happened to you, then you might have the disease and not even know it. Aside from not being good for each other, and I found someone better, Madeupfacts.com credits Drunk Dialing as the #3 reason for breakups not given a second chance.

This disease not only infects humans daily, it has mutated into another deadly disease, Drunk Texting. Drunken Texting is the SARS of the telephone. It is spreading rapidly, and everyone blames it on the Chinese.

Today, this disease runs so ramped, the first thing people do when they wake up after a long night of drinking, is check their outgoing texts and calls from the night before.  In the medical profession, this morning after activity is often referred to as Booze Clues. Here are some of my own drunken texts, I have found the next morning.

  1. To my friend, “Six seconds ago I was confused and now I am here”
  2. To a girl I was interested in: “If you wer here, that wood make me shit”
  3. Meant for Molly, “I want to be inside you.” Sent to my mom
  4. One I received, “I am not sure, but I think a stripper squirted breast milk in my beer”
  5. To my cousin, “I think wyr all gunna dy”
  6. From my friend (female,) “I think Darth Vader is stalking me.”

breathometer-2-250x300I am such a notorious drunk dialer that once my friends took the phone from me, deeming me to drunk to be making phone calls. The funny thing is, they still made me drive them home.  Thanks to my friend’s; I realized I had a problem. I thought to myself that there had to be other people who shared this disease. I started searching for other people online and found that there is a whole website dedicated to drunk texters. Here is one of the best one from their site: “noo wooreez bout me. i am drancking sakee and i am goin to danse on a pole with my cab deriver jeezus. he sed i can deverginifry him. sexsexsex. loving you, barbie”

So today I present to you, a product that is the cure for this growing life ruinous; The Drunk Dial Phone. Utilizing today’s breathalyzing technology the Drunk Dial phone comes complete with a built in Breathalyzer that prevents you from using your phone if your blood alcohol level is over the legal limit.  We at the Institute for People After Beer Shouldn’t Telephone (PABST,) are committed to the philosophy; when you breathe everyone’s at ease. We want to make sure; when you see double, there’s no trouble. The Drunk Dial phone will save millions from what we at PABST call the, “Day after regret.” Think of a world cured of 4:00 a.m. booty calls from someone you have not talked to in 3 years. Or, phone calls where the drunken caller treats the phone like the louder they shout into it, the better you will understand them. Imagine a world free of having to explain to your mom why you texted her the night before, calling her a stupid swamp donkey. Or being fired for calling your boss and telling them you want to staple a burning spreadsheet to their face.

Listen to what others are saying about the Drunk Dial Phone:

“The drunk dial phone has saved me from embarrassing phone calls. If only this was invented 3 years ago, we would all be able to talk to our kids. ” Alec Baldwin

“This is probably the greatest invention since the telephone itself” Alexander Graham Bell

We at PABST  are dedicated to a brighter tomorrow or at least one you don’t have to waste apologizing. Don’t wait, Get the DD phone today and put your worries away. Now available on the I-Phone.

 

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Cruising

Planning your next vacation can be hard. With so many places to see in the world, and such little time, it can be stressful to try and make the best decision. If you haven’t already considered cruising as an option for your next furlough, let me tell you some of the benefits of a cruise you might not be aware of.

  • Always to tired to go to the after party? You don’t have to feel left out anymore, because on a cruise the after hours party begins at 8:00 p.m and ends at 8:32 pm. Be in your bed in time to watch that re-run of Hogans Heroes.
  • Tired of getting nickel and dimed on your trips? On a ship, everything is free (except for a small fee on everything.)
  • Want to feel youthful? Cruises are the only place where being under 70 makes you look like Justin Bieber.
  • You get to go to places that no one else in the world even thinks about visiting.  Skagway Alaska, Costa Maya Mexico, Sydney Nova Scotia, see for yourself why no one has heard of these places.
  • Love to have clean hands? Then cruising is for you. We have 5,072 hand sanitizing stations (one every 5 yards,) so you can keep those hands as clean as a baby’s bottom.
  • Hate buying expensive drinks? Just add water to the hand sanitizer and you get Moonshine. Add a little Ketchup and you get a nice Merlot. Never spend a dime when you are drinking cruise booze.
  • All cruises have a minimum of 4 funeral directors to choose from.
  • Every bathroom has an adult diaper changing station.
  • Don’t run around town trying to find the one thing you need. All the buffets on a cruise serve Metamucil.
  • Hate holding that beer while you pee guys? All the bathrooms have Beer holders next to the urinal.
  • Love eating? It’s the only place you can have dessert for breakfast, booze for brunch and have Adult Onset Diabetes before dinner.
  • Tired of going to the gym and not being able to find a machine to work out on? All the exercise facilities on your ship will be completely empty and the machines untouched.
  • Since cruises normally sail in international waters there are no penalties for driving drunk on your mobility scooters.
  • Are you claustrophobic and want to overcome your phobia? What better way than having a bathroom in your cabin, no bigger than a mini cooper; specifically designed to help you conquer your fear. Enjoy the sensation of being able to shower while you poop.
  • Having a hard time gaining weight? If so, you should know the average cruiser gains on average 8 pounds.

We hope that you take this information to heart and really think about what you read today when you are planning your next vacation. Remember, cruise ships are not just where old people go to be bored anymore.

This bulletin was brought to you by, the association to prevent people from cruising.

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Jokes that turn a crowd off

The great thing about live theatre is that anything can happen at any given moment. I have had fights break out amongst the guests, audience members so drunk they throw up and even people starting fights after getting thrown up on.  I have had outdoor shows that in the middle it started pouring rain, which I took as God saying, “This is just not a funny bit.”

Once while I was performing in Mexico, I had a woman jump out of her seat screaming at the top of her lungs like she was overacting in some sort of b-grade horror movie. I thought for sure hermetshe was in serious trouble. As it turned out, a small hermit crab had strolled over her foot, which led to the hysterics. However, I think I am going to cast her in my upcoming film, “Hermit crabs, nothing to laugh about.”

Just two weeks later while performing at the same venue, I was attacked on stage by a giant moth. Not Mothera big, but definitely big enough to take down a small, wounded, blind puppy . That’s the beauty of performing “live” in front of an audience. Unusual things can happen at anytime and often do. That’s where great stories come from. If your there, you get to say stuff like, “I was there when Kramer lost his shit.” That’s a story everyone wants to hear. These are the sort of stories that make you think your cooler then everyone else.

As a performer when things arise that are not a planned part of the show, there are two ways to deal with it:

#1 (the not so best way) – ignore it. Keep going on with the show and pretend it never happened.

#2 (which is the best way) – Roll with it. Accept it and use it as part of the show.

The entertainers who use practice #1 are the type of comedians who craft their routine to perfection. Their set is so well refined, one unsuspected event during their performance can derail the whole show. The type of performers who employ technique #2 are the people who are great at improv and welcome any sort of “off script” moments. To me, those are the performers you want to watch. They can take that awkward moment and turn into something magical and unique for an audience. They appreciate your authenticity and willingness to cater your show to their experience.  When you do it well, there is not a lot you can do wrong after that. It’s like the audience gives you a “get out of bad joke free card”.

The opposite can be said too. Sometimes, you just can’t make it entertaining. There are times that you cannot get the audience to focus back on you after they just watched a drunk woman pour a pitcher of beer on her husband’s head because he was texting another woman. Sometimes, it just doesn’t work out. If you can’t make what just happened hilarious, then you loose control of the room and probably will never win them back.

Since I am a self-loathing performer, I am not going to tell you about the hundreds of times I turned weird things that happen during the show into a positive experience. Rather,  I will tell you about several times I dealt with situations poorly. I want to remind you why you are reading this. It’s probably because you are a fan of my work, so please keep that in mind while you continue to read this. For comical purposes, I share this to see how failing can eventually be funny. So don’t get turned off like every girl does when I tell her that my avatar is a fifth degree black belt. Deal? Okay, so enjoy my mistakes.

I was scheduled to follow a very talented Michael Jackson impersonator at an event. He had the voice and swagger of MJ, even though the impersonator was a 7-year-old Asian boy. He did a solid thirty minutes of slick dance moves, moonwalks, crotch grabbing and the audience went 195crazy after his final song. It would have been a standing ovation, but the age of the crowd prohibited them from getting to their feet quickly without at least mild heart pain, but they did cheer loudly.

I came on stage right after him. As a comedian you have to always acknowledge what everyone is thinking about. Wanting to keep the show flowing without a hitch; I decided to make a joke about “Little Michael.” So, I came on stage and said, “How about that Little Michael? I am sure the real Michael would have loved him…. In more ways then one.”

If there were even one person who liked me after that joke, there surely would be none after my second joke. With the lack of laughter at my first joke, I broke the number one rule of comedy, which is to “READ YOUR AUDIENCE”. I thought the first joke would be hilarious and instead of stopping the bit when they failed to laugh and going into my normal routine, I continued on my “Little Michael” diatribe. I went with a joke that I thought would save me and it got big laughs from the test audience in my mind. However, it turned out to be the nail in the coffin of my show. The Joejacksonjoke to end all laughs that would force the crowd to turn on me like I was Kanye West at the MTV Music Awards was as follows. I said, “I would have loved to see the look on Joe Jackson’s face if Michael Jackson was born Asian.”

Yes folks, that would be the start of the show and the end of the audience liking me. They absolutely hated me. At this point in the show, Hitler would have gotten bigger laughs. Forty-five minutes to go and there was no “Remember the Time” when I didn’t say jokes that dug me a hole harder to get out of than the national deficit.

Another one of my favorite stories includes “Jokes I have said that made the crowd not like me,”. For example, during my show I do a joke about, “if I were in a band, the name of my band would be the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program”. I follow it up with a few other band names that I think would be awesome to have. It generally gets decent laughs, but not on this day. Jehovah

I was performing at an event, and everything in the show was running smoothly. I was getting laughs at all the normal spots and the crowd seemed to really be behind me.  I am in the middle of the band name bit and I do the Jehovah’s Witness joke, which receives the same laugh it always does. Although, once the laughter subsided, a woman jumps out of her seat urgently like she was being chased by Freddy Krueger and yells, “Hey! That’s not funny. I’m a Jehovah’s Witness.”

The crowd fell silent. It was the sort of awkward silence where people are frozen and don’t know what to do. It felt like they all just witnessed a kid get hit by their drunk dad and was so much in shock that they froze.

I could have just moved on, brushed it off and pretended I never even heard her, but I couldn’t. Everyone else heard her and now they were all waiting for my response. This sort of thing happens when someone had just been slapped and everyone who witnessed sat in anticipation to see if there would be a fight.  It felt like I just got served.

What sucks about all of this is that she stopped me from getting through the bit. If only she would have waited. She would have eventually realized that I make fun of all kinds of different groups of people. She would have heard the rest of the jokes instead of cutting me off and probably would not have felt so attacked or alienated. However, she didn’t and now I was forced to deal with it in order to regain the comic momentum that was now lost because of this religious whistleblower.

crowd1Without thinking, I said, “You can’t be a Jehovah’s Witness, because you are watching my show and my show is fun.” Instead of the crowd responding with a huge eruption of laughter that normally follows a good heckler line, they responded the same way you would if you were to watch a handicapped kid fall down the stairs—there was only an audible gasp. The audience just joined all of my ex-girlfriends and friends who have sex with my ex-girlfriends on the “We hate Matt” bandwagon.  Although this bandwagon was no longer a wagon, it became a very wide semi-truck load. The audience suddenly forgot about all the laughs we had together and the times they were awoken at 8:00 am on a Sunday to these proselytizers. It’s as if they were all suddenly converted to be Jehovah Witness’s and were offended along with their religious counterpart.

There was no recovering after that. I did my best to do damage control from there on out. I told them a series of lies in an effort to win them back. I told them how great a crowd they were and that I wished every crowd was like them. However, my pathetic attempt to win them over with affection failed. The damage had been done and they were immune to my attempts to woo them back.

The next story can only be described by this bumper sticker slogan; “same shit, different religion.” Trade one annoying doorknocker for another—the Mormons. I know. Just those words make you turn off your lights, close your blinds, lock your door and drink a big cup of coffee. mormon

It was a cold, misty afternoon (I always wanted to start a story like that.) Okay, it was a sunny Sunday afternoon and I was performing at a county fair. Certainly a clear indication that my life had not turned out the way it was supposed to. My parents would have been more proud if they caught me smoking crystal meth, which is easy to get at county fairs, or so I hear. Performing at a county fair is not an easy thing. It’s one small step above performing comedy at a kindergarten school for the deaf. I say that because it’s hard enough to get people to laugh. And even harder when you throw in a crowd who are stuffing their face with elephant ears and funnel cakes. It becomes nearly impossible.

Usually when no one is laughing during my show, I will start trying new jokes that have not been fully thought out. My theory is, if they are not laughing at my good stuff, why waste it? Why not try out some new jokes and maybe I can get one or two jokes that I can use in the future on people who actually care. That way the show is not a total waste for everyone. At least someone (aka. me) get something out of it.

The timeslot where laughter is scheduled to appear after my jokes was replaced with silence. So, I decided to try a new joke. The new unformed joke I delivered was as follows: “I know my material can be edgy. So much so, I was banned from performing in Utah. They only allowed me to perform when I agreed to wear their magic underwear.” If the silence was not a good enough indicator on what a crappy joke it was, a woman jumped out of her seat with such urgency, like she was about to stop me from killing a puppy and yelled, “That is not funny.”

I am used to people telling me, “That isn’t funny”, but something was a little off in the tone of this woman’s voice. There was more urgency in her tone, like she had to stop me from telling a secret about the Mormon’s that would spoil their plan to take over the world one soda company at a time. She was wearing an apron for a lemonade booth that was to the left of the stage and was standing, staring at me with distain on her face. She yelled at me again, this time saying, “I am Mormon and I don’t appreciate that!”

Trying to learn from my Jehovah’s Witness encounter, I tried to manage this confrontation a little better. I thought that maybe by talking to her directly and finding out about her would endear me to everyone, so I asked her, “Do you work here?” She swiftly replied, “Yes, right over there at the lemonade booth and I don’t appreciate being made fun of.” In attempt to establish some sort of friendly dialogue with her, I asked, “Are you a strict Mormon?” She yelled proudly, “Very.” Without thinking how it would sound, I responded, “If you are a strict Mormon, then what are you doing working on a Sunday?” My attempt to be friendly felt like I was trying to challenge her religious faith. I could see the crowd shifting in their seats from their discomfort, like they were all trying to scratch their ass without using both hands at the same time. The dumb-ass that I am, decided to try and turn my challenging statement into something humorous, In an attempt to save the show that was getting away from me, I said “It’s just a joke. Don’t get your sacred garments in a bunch.”

crowdThe voices in my head said, “Nice one Matt! Great joke.” My inner self was high-fiving with how quick I was to come up with this comedy gold. The voices in the crowd did not share the same thoughts. Their voices simultaneously shouted something that rhymes with “glue.” I tried powering through it and winning them back with my best material, but the proverbial arcade game had no more credits and the bartender was yelling, “Get the hell out or I’ll hit you with this crowbar.” I did what I thought was best, which was to thank them and end the show right there, leaving twenty minutes early.

Looking back, I find it interesting that in a show filled with jokes about deaf people, blind people, narcoleptics, midgets and people with turrets syndrome, this woman chose to get upset at the one joke that is actually a choice, which is to wear long underwear. Ultimately, I hate bad shows but I love stories. By sacrificing my suffering on stage and the audience suffering due to my stupid comments, I hope these stories have done what I was unable to do in the three shows listed—to make you laugh.